I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
