he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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