Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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