i think my tv is drunk
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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