Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
