I CAN MOONWALK!
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
