I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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