this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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