I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
