dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
