sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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