Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.