Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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