Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
