I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Randomize
