I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
