I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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