I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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