I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
