White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
