Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
