i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yo dont text me then not text me
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
