You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
