Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
birth control should be required to get into college
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
