I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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