WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
