Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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