im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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