So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize