Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
