Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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