How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
