I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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