Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I am mentally ready for anal.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
