Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
