it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
