I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Holy sore nipples Batman
Randomize
