i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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