I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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