Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
