So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
