How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
