Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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