I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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