alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
