Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
high people should be assigned attendants
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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