Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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