Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
