I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
