my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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