I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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