dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
